I really do try as hard as I can to be the best mother I can be. I keep a constant prayer with me that I will be guided through every decision, I read to Cam, we play games, we wrestle/have tickle fights, I feed her (well, i try really hard, she isn't the biggest fan of this) I teach her and introduce her to new sights, sounds and activities but through all of this I still fall short of being the "best mom". My humbling moments I call my "award moments"....when I receive the "worse mother of the year award" because that's what I feel I deserve. Of course, after all is said and done I can look back and laugh and admit that not only did that just happen but things similar to it is sure to happen yet in due time. I know I'm not the only mother who has felt this way either. Here is the story of when I received my first award...
So I changed Cam's diaper and it was a STINKY one so I needed to run it out to the trash outside. That morning had been trash day so I had to run it out the front door rather than going through the backyard like i usually would. Now, you need to know that our front door has one of those handles that even if its locked from the outside you can still open if from the inside. So I left the door slightly opened so I could get back in. I'm still not sure if it just continued to close on its own some how or if Cam came over and pushed it close the remainder of the way....all I know is that as I was stepping off the front porch step I heard a click behind me and my heart skipped a beat. I ran back to the door and tried opening it, praying that I had heard things but the door didn't budge. "OH MY GOSH I JUST LOCKED MY ONE YEAR OLD IN THE HOUSE!!!!" was all I could think. I ran around back still praying but this time that the back door would be unlocked, although I knew that would be a miracle because we NEVER (at that time) would leave that door unlocked. I tried the door and every window to no avail. I tried looking inside and my heart fell...I couldn't see Cam but I could hear her crying which broke my heart. I ran from neighbor's house to neighbor's house pounding on their doors yet NO ONE was home, or so they wanted me to think. I heard a car coming down the street so I ran after it until they stopped. I started crying as I explained the situation and asked if I could borrow their cell phone. The husband was NOT happy about being so inconvenienced but the wife insisted on helping and staying with me until I got in. Long story short I ended up having to call 911. The operator was sweet and tried calming me down but really it just pissed me off. After I explained the situation and she called for the fire department and police she asked me "Why are you crying?" WHAT? What do you mean "why am i crying?" Did you NOT just hear what I just did?! I felt horrible! But she tried reassuring me that this wasn't the first time a mother had done this and that accidents happen and I do appreciate her efforts. She said police should probably be arriving there first and should be there soon and we hung up. I went back to the backyard to try to see Cam again. I knocked on the sliding glass door and yelled out Cam's name trying to get her to come to me so I could make sure she was ok. She came around the corner from our bedroom and stopped crying as soon as she saw me. From this point on she was fine, never cried again, just stuck her face against the glass and made faces and laughed as if this was all some sort of funny game we were playing. Now at this point I'm already feeling like a bad mom but little did I know that feeling was about to intensify. Cam leaves the room and goes back in our master bedroom, to my horror she comes back around the corner with a match in her hand! WHAT?! I couldn't believe it! Where did she get that?! We only have matches in the bathroom (a necessity of course :)) but we keep that door close. Luckily she drops that pretty quickly and walks back over to the sliding glass door but only to reach up and grab the cord to the blind and drape it around her shoulders. Luckily it wasn't around her neck....YET! I started to panic and cry again trying to calmly ask her to drop the cord somehow she seemed to understand and took it off and dropped it. Right about that time is when the police officer got there. He walked in the back yard and saw me, this grief stricken mother, and started laughing! He asked "What's going on here?" and i hurried to explain the situation. He was so confident he would be able to quickly and easily open a window but really he quickly discovered that he couldn't. It seemed like forever but the fire department finally got there and got to work trying to bust in without breaking anything. Cam this whole time is LOVING the attention. She is still busy making faces, smiling and waving at everyone....so proud of what she has accomplished, or so it seemed. :) It took them a good 10 minutes to finally get in. They tried taking off part of the sliding glass door yet couldn't seem to accomplish that so they tried two other windows still to no avail. Finally, it took three of them on one window to finally get in. They kept joking with me about how at least I didn't need to ever worry about someone breaking in. One firefighter stayed with me the whole time trying to distract me. He was asking me about our backyard landscape and why I like palm trees and all sort of random questions. I tried to be polite and answered all his questions but never took my eyes off of Cambyrn. When the firemen finally got the window open one of them climbed in to open the sliding glass door...as he walked towards Cambryn he started talking to her in this baby type of voice thinking she would be scared of him. Instead, she walked up to him and gave him a high five. "Way to finally get in stranger!" :) We all laughed and he opened the door, I rushed in and picked up Cam crying hard all over again. The firemen immediately started walking away, another rescue completed but they didn't leave until they made sure I had my keys on me. :) I felt horrible. Not only for locking my child inside (or myself out) but for wasting their time. All while they were working there I heard calls coming in like "drug overdose in circle g", "domestic abuse at ______address" and I kept thinking about how there are all these very serious things going on and this particular squad is busy letting a silly mom into her house where her one year old was stranded. I'm sure they were looking at my little forming bump (at the time) and hoping that was from eating too many doughnuts and not another baby growing...after all I seem to struggle at times with one! :)
I called my mom shortly after and was crying while telling her....she just started laughing. Next thing I knew I was laughing with her as I finished explaining everything. Good thing I didn't call her (or my siblings who also laughed when I told them) while it was happening or I would have been REALLY upset that they were laughing. All that night and for days following Ty would say to me "Remember that time you locked our daughter in the house?" and we would laugh. Thank goodness for the ability to laugh!
My second award came when I was chasing her around the mall waiting for Tyson to get done with his shift. She would run, I would chase her and she would squeal and laugh with delight as I captured her. This was a wonderful fun, funny game that was helping us pass the time until I picked her up and pulled her arm out of socket. Elbow to be exact. It was BY FAR the most heart wrenching experience. She just held her arm limp at her side and try holding it with the other arm and just CRY and CRY AND CRY. Needless to say I cried a lot with her I felt so guilty. Guilty because I had accidently caused this pain and guilty because I couldn't fix it. No kisses on her elbow would fix this problem. We took her to the urgent care where they did xrays and then put it back in place. They didn't want me going with her to get the xrays done because I was already crying and they didn't think watching them twist it to take xrays and making her scream louder would help me. So Ty took her by himself. She was tough and even calmed down while we waited for the dr to look at the xrays. He came back in and set it in place. She screamed while he did it and I sat silently crying while watching it. Ty was brave of course and was holding her and comforting her. As soon as he set it she reached for me and I held her and cried. She stopped within 45 seconds. The Dr gave us instructions on what to do with her and then told Ty to make sure I got some ice cream and a foot rub when we got home because it was probably more traumatic for the mother than the baby. I agree. :) She will never remember that whole experience yet I will never forget it.
I think the lesson to be learned through all of this is that no mother is perfect. We never will be. Not only will we make countless little mistakes we will back some pretty big ones too including some big, unforgettable accidents. I know this blog is long but hopefully it helps you realize there is always someone out there doing something worse than you! :) j/k Loves to all you mothers for your bravery and love!
